Faced with the choice between romantic companionship or sanity, I will choose my own sanity every time. Kids will do that to you... you have a child and suddenly your emotional wants don't mean much anymore. There's a big difference between a want and a need, and a want is not nearly as important as the need to take care of and raise your family.
That's all well and good... but it's easier said than done, especially when you trust someone to tell you the truth and they start calling you crazy. You know in your mind that you're not, that it's just something hurtful they want to say instead of addressing the real issues... but then you end up questioning yourself. Even if the trust in that person has died, you still end up questioning your sanity, which can be a major distraction. This is why I'm writing it down.
There are certain people with amazing manipulation powers. I mean, their powers are so great that you believe what they say without question and then, when you finally have time to think about it and put the pieces together in your own logical way, you wind up with a "WTF?!?!" reaction.
Then, of course, you start feeling stupid and taken advantage of. After that, I personally tend to get angry.
The thing is that you can only repeat the same mistake so many times before you put your foot down and say, "Wow, am I really that dumb?" (read: /facepalm)
So, I'm here to make some promises to myself and to my kids. More than promises... some changes. They've already begun and I simply want to document the date and put this as eloquently as possible.
1. I will not let myself go again. It seems like every time I'm in a relationship, I get fat. Lame! I don't want to be fat. It's unhealthy and uncomfortable. So, I promise myself that, no matter what, I won't let myself go again.
2. I will not be manipulated. I've actually made myself this promise a number of times but can't help but be trusting if I'm with someone. To a point, at least. And how many times do they tell me what I want to hear or talk me into something to serve their purpose? Too many, that's how many! I'm done being told what I want.
3. I will continue to think of my kids and family first. Now here's a hard part. The whole point in being with someone is to become, eventually, family. Right? I mean otherwise there's really no purpose. But when that person no longer contributes or doesn't even act like they want to be a part of the family, then what's the point in staying?
4. Actions will always speak louder than words. ... even though words can still hurt, it's the actions - or lack thereof - that really communicate what's important to someone and how hard they're willing to work in order to contribute. Actions count... a lot.
5. I won't let my emotions get in the way of achieving my dreams. I haven't had this issue a whole lot, but I do think I need to make a conscious decision not to wallow in any emotion for too long unless it's excitement and inspiration.
Finally, I will write in my journal every day, even if it's only for five minutes. I've got so much thought clutter built up sometimes that it's hard to hide it from myself and it becomes a huge distraction... like when I look in the kitchen to see a sink full of dishes and I can't make coffee because I can't fill the pot. Irritating! Solvable, but irritating. Writing in my journal will help me to work through whatever thought clutter I may have and move on. I want to be able to focus without getting distracted.
Back to work for now... there are still a lot of hours left in this day and I will use them.
Twisted yet positive coffee enthusiast with an appreciation for blood, mystery, and Root Beer floats.
All content © Jennifer-Crystal Johnson.
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