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For the past few months, I've been having some trouble being stable emotionally. Mood swings, insane ups and downs, lack of motivation, laziness, and low energy. This can be attributed to many, many different aspects of my health, and I'm currently working to change all of it.

I started taking Prozac after my son was born because of extremely bad postpartum depression bordering on postpartum psychosis. Though my hallucinations were auditory and my insomnia temporary, it was one of the lowest points in my life save for being in an abusive marriage. I did, after all, still have my infant son to love and care for, which was my main focus.

I remember laying next to him for hours, just staring at his beautiful little face and touching his soft skin... what a little miracle. He was so tiny, and I was worried because breastfeeding him wasn't working well, so that probably didn't help my mental state in the least. To top it off, when he spit up it was mucous-like, which had me worried he would choke on it or spit up in his sleep and die. I was a wreck. So I spoke to my doctor and felt that medication was the best option at that point because I had almost no control over my own emotions.

Recently, I've been noticing that my short-term memory is really unreliable... my moods were crazy up and down, and I had zero motivation to get up and do anything. Now normally, those are signs of depression. In my case, I was supposed to be taking these pills to treat depression, not make it worse, right?

The thing that was really getting to me was my lack of enthusiasm, motivation, and drive. I mean really, anyone who wants to be successful at anything has to have motivation and drive, inspiration and the courage to go for the dreams that are in front of them. I'm generally a happy, positive person, with or without the pills... before the postpartum.

The short-term memory lapsing, though? That was the worst and best thing about those stupid pills. I forgot to take them. Then I realized that I felt amazing. Then I remembered something from a few hours before and almost did a happy dance because it had been so long since I wasn't a complete space cadet. It was only something little, a small detail, but at that moment it meant the world.

I know that normally people are supposed to see their doctor before changing their medication intake, but I haven't had a chance yet. I plan to do so on Monday, just to make sure. But you know... I saw a picture on Facebook of the back of someone's shirt listing off all of the random pills they take for the side-effects of other pills, and at the end, it said something to the effect of, "... because eating right, exercising, and having healthy hobbies is just too much of a hassle."

What does that say about me?

I've quit smoking, so one agitator is gone. My health is already improving, I feel better, I can sing better again because my voice is healing, and I don't have irritability swings due to a lack of nicotine. I've been smoke free for 2 months and nicotine free for 2 weeks, give or take. I feel great! I can even be around people who smoke and not want to smoke myself because it tastes gross now.

I've made moves forward in my eating habits, too. I now eat salads more than anything else, eggs in the morning, fruit, and things that are healthy. I've also been making an effort to take better care of myself. Sitting at a computer all day makes you crazy sometimes... and lazy. So my missions are many, but they can all be rolled into one: Live a better life!

I remember getting excited about life and plans and ideas and goals and feeling it - really feeling it - to my core. My heart would flutter thinking about these amazing things that were happening or going to happen and I couldn't wait! Alive. That was how I felt.

I haven't felt excited like that in a while... I mean I've gotten excited and had excited feelings but not enough to sustain me. It was almost like I couldn't get excited about the same thing twice... like I always needed a new thing to get excited about to keep me motivated.

I need to feel inspired. Right down to my bones inspiration, flowing through every vein and creating the focus and energy that it takes in order to do everything I want to do in this life. That won't come from mere superficial motivation... that requires deep and endless inspiration!

So this is my announcement to the world: every chapter of life has a beginning and an end, every section is a lesson, and every lesson is a journey in and of itself. I'd like to actually be present for these journeys and these lessons.... I feel much more present without medication in my system, so this is what I'm going to try now. I'm hoping to be able to get back to a more normal me =).


07/07/2012 00:14

Im proud of you for identifying so many things and concously decided to make change:)

You'll always have my support regarding positive change. Love you!!!

07/07/2012 01:09

Thank you for reading, baby =). And for the comment! I think this is door to a wonderful future =). Always moving forward. =)

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08/30/2012 04:03

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07/07/2012 06:51

Its all about chapters. My father who has always been a huge inspiration in my life had a saying for everything. He would say to me that there is always a Saturday, by which he meant that any time things seemed darkest and that the nightmare was never ending that one day there would come a Saturday, work would be over and you could concentrate on ending the nightmare.

It makes more sense if he says it in person ;) - but the point is he was right.You can change anything, it just needs time and patience. You went through a chapter of your life when you needed help, and now it seems you no longer need that help, and life can continue on unabated.

Don't question it, analyse it, or look for answers, clues, or even redemption. None of it applies, nor should you look for higher truths, metaphors, or indicators of your future. It was just a chapter and as is true of any chapter of a much larger story, it has to end and a new chapter begin.

This is the new chapter, and the only link to any chapter that went before is... You. Just you, nothing more, nothing less.

07/07/2012 11:21

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment, John! Ha, I think you're right... but my nature is to analyze and look for "signs" hahaha. I don't believe there are coincidences, but weird things and connections take place all the time, so when I see them or look for them, they often lead me to opportunities or decisions I'm supposed to see.

Your dad sounds like a wise man =). I hope you're having a great weekend!


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